Happiness is reality minus expectation [unknown]
“What I ordered vs what I received” is a popular meme format. Typically, it compares pictures of a product as portrayed by an online merchant (usually a bargain-price seller out of China) and the actual item once received. Usually, the comparison of the actual item is much less favorable than how it was advertised. A more macabre version of this is an old joke where a guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by a slightly bemused St Peter. It turns out the guy is not quite good enough to get into heaven but not bad enough to go to hell. Therefore, St Peter offers him a choice. He can spend a day in either place and then decide for himself where he gets to spend eternity. Grateful for this second chance, the guy immediately chooses to check out heaven. He finds it is kind of cool, people are nice, soft music playing, glorious lights and all. Next day, he is shipped down to hell. He trepidatiously steps out of the tunnel and is surprised to see what looks like people having a fun time. There’s a rock band playing an amazing concert, skimpily clad women playing beach volleyball, a raucous poker game with as many Cuban cigars and fine wines as you want. Next day, St Peter brings him up and asks “Well, what’s your choice? Heaven or Hell?”. The guy goes “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I want to go to hell. Don’t get me wrong, heaven is nice but hell seems like a blast.” And with that, there is a thunderclap and he hurtles down back to hell. When he gets there, he is surprised to see unspeakable horrors, wailing souls being tortured and deep pits of abandoned hope. “Wait”, he yells, “ I was here just yesterday and it was all fun and games. What happened?” As he is hurled into the abyss, he hears a terrible voice yell behind him “That’s because yesterday was newcomers visiting day!”
I see this phenomenon happen over and over again, even in my own life. We see something. We want it and then when we get it, we realize it does not quite make you happy the way you thought it would be. My first experience of this was in primary school (elementary school for those more familiar with the US educational system). I found myself in the unexpected position of having to study for the secondary school entrance exam (roughly middle/high school). How well you did in this exam determined which secondary schools you could choose to attend. School had been easy for me up until this point. I had never cracked open a textbook or studied for an exam so this was a quite jarring experience having to put in concentrated effort over several weeks. To encourage me, my mother pointed out my older siblings. “Look, they’ve already gone through this exam and are enjoying their holidays. You just need to buckle down for the next couple of weeks and once you’re in a great school, you can enjoy life without a care in the world”. Turns out she was lying. Once I got into secondary school, I discovered that the academic expectations just ratcheted up even further. Now I had to study for every test, and not just the big ones. I was miserable the first couple of years because my expectations of what school was going to be like was completely wrong and I had not built up the habits of discipline to thrive.
I would continue to repeat this pattern over and over in my life. I would set a goal, after which life would be amazing. Once I graduated, got a job, got her to notice me, bought that shiny toy, achieved that status, and so on, things would be amazing. Don’t get me wrong, getting all those things were great, but not quite as great as I had initially hoped. I tend to overhype the impact of some future change to my life and then be let down when it arrives. One area where this happens to a lot of people is in their romantic relationships. You are heading out on a date. Your heart is beating with excitement. “Is this the one? Your soulmate that will bring you happiness for the rest of your life!” As the date unfolds, you find out they prattle on a little too long about themselves, chew a little too loudly or any number of small infractions that don’t quite fit into your picture of The One TM. Another disappointing evening. I found I had much more fun when I decided dates were an opportunity to spend a fun hour or two with an interesting person. If they turned out to be the one, then that is just a bonus.
Another area we commonly get tripped up is money. We all think that once we hit some number, our lives will be better. We’ll finally be able to do the things we really want to do. Go to those places, wear those clothes, and generally feel better about ourselves. Unfortunately, that number, like the end of the rainbow, seems to keep moving away even as you work towards it. If you have been fortunate to have progressed in your career, you can think back to a time when you thought what you earn now would have been amazing. However, you probably don’t feel very amazed at your current financial position. As your income grew, so did your appetites and the horizon shifted away accordingly. It is kind of cliche, but true, that money, past a certain point, does not make you happier. If you were miserable being middle class, you would probably still be miserable being upper class or rich. Same goes for being generous, loving, or any other character vector. Money only solves money problems. Character problems need different solutions.
So what does this mean? For me, it means to be suspicious of my expectations. I have been trained to always have big goals but I need to always check my motives for setting those goals and what I expect them to do for me. I need to understand the appropriate expectation for the achievement of each goal so I am not disappointed when I succeed. I need to recognize when I have mistaken the benefits I can derive from my goals so I can be sure I have covered all my bases and not carelessly expected some achievement would provide a benefit it could never deliver.